Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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