I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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