Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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