my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
