I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
