I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
