Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
