I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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