where am i from again
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
