I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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