I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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