I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
