It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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