glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
