Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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