chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
