I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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