I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
