Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
