The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
