Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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