I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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