I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
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I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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