no, he came in my armpit
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
