If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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