i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
