i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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