I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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