I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
