our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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