i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
