Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
