I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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