Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
