I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are we still banned from the library?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
