theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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