im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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