What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
