i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
