What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
