I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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