my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
