I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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