One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We are two peas in an std pod
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
