I looked at my own cervix.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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