Will you blow on my dice?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
