Sry I called you an 8
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
