We won't sleep together?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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