i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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