So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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