cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
