I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
