every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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