There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
