Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
