I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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