i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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